My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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