just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
We don't watch enough power rangers
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
