I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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