Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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