It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
