the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
