i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
