i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
