walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
