You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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