fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
