I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
