i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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