Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
