why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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