I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Randomize
