How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
