Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
