the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
