Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
