Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
