she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
