i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
