I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
