my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Randomize
