Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
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