the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
