he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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