i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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