My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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