Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
