im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
God I need to hump something, right now.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
