It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
