Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
