Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I need a beard to bite.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
