I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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