My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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