'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
