if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
