I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
