I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
