I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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