I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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