It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
