I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
