then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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