i permit you to call me
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
