Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
