I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
