A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
