youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
