I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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